Perfect Conditions

One day in August, Anita and I did our final joint visits together. I chose a man I had seen twice before and we had a fairly short visit, ten minutes or less. Afterward Anita said she liked how I inquired into his experience without directly asking, “How do you feel about that?” She liked that I asked to sit down and that I incorporated his own words into my prayer for him at the end of the visit, and she also liked that I announced in advance that we would be leaving—often patients wait until you say you are leaving to announce what’s really on their minds, so giving advance notice might invite those things into the conversation while there’s still a little time to talk about them.

One of the verbatims I presented earlier in the final unit was about a visit that was nearly an hour long. Right after I said I was leaving, the patient mentioned hospice. Ugh. So then it appeared that I had abandoned someone who was ready to talk about something very important. I received the suggestion to say, “I’ll need to go in five or ten minutes,” so I now do that often, including in the visit Anita observed.

The one thing she thought I could have done better was to ask the patient to turn off the TV, or turn the volume off. I have mixed feelings about that. One day not long ago, I saw a patient one of my peers has led in meditation several times. I asked him what she normally does when she guides him in meditation. He said, “She makes me turn off the TV, and then she pulls down the shades, and she closes the door and pulls the curtain.” Wow! I did all of that, and he turned off the TV, and it was indeed very serene, so I will remember that, but I also think that we need practices that work in less-than-ideal as well as completely crappy circumstances. I don’t mind if someone has the TV on while we talk. If the person gets completely absorbed in what’s on TV, I can ask if I should come back another time. However, having the TV volume off—which many patients do of their own accord—is nice and might change the flavor of the conversation, so I will keep that in mind, too.