In the evening, I started looking at the documentation requirements for board certification and at the details of my new health insurance and got overwhelmed. I worked myself into quite a fit of negativity, but was able to notice that and remind myself to take some small constructive actions—getting a glass of water counts—and to practice metta for myself. At night, I used my new white noise machine for the first time and I think it did contribute to a good night’s sleep. No matter how much sleep I get since CPE ended, I feel exhausted. I think there is some kind of emotional weariness that will take a while to abate.
On Saturday, I went to Rainbow and ran into a friend from my meditation group who said a really perfect thing after Carlos died, in 2013. (Something like, “I am staggered by the immensity of your loss.”) On Saturday, he said another perfect thing. He mentioned a friend who is a hospice social worker, or some such, and when I asked how she likes that work, he said, “She flourished! She reminds me of you. Her spirituality reminds me of yours.”
I knew it was going to be hard once CPE was over and I didn’t have a team of people pushing and pulling me along every day. I rarely experienced doubt about the path I was on during the past 15 months—I didn’t have the time or energy to. I think that may be a problem in the next couple of years, but I will try to take it one day at a time. I do know what I need to do today. And I could not possibly have been any more affirmed during CPE, what with getting to do the palliative care rotation and getting one of the special awards and all the million nice things people, including my supervisors, said throughout the year. Getting a paying job immediately also seems like a good sign.
On Sunday, for reasons I won’t bore you with, I got to see the show about the Temptations again, this time with Carol Joy, preceded by lunch at Au Coquelet, and I liked it even more the second time. It is absolutely fabulous. (When I was five years old, my favorite song was a Temptations song. We lived 45 minutes from Motown.) Our seats were excellent a week earlier, about the eighth or ninth row from the front. The second time I saw it, I sat in the second row, even closer to the action. Carol Joy loved it, too.
At the end, there was a lengthy standing ovation. I was nearly in tears of gratitude for this music being brought so vividly to life and for the mesmerizing dancing, and I could see looks of stunned wonder on the faces of some of the cast members at the outpouring of love they were receiving; some of them looked like they were nearly in tears as well.
On Monday, I went to have a TB test read for my new job and then I took BART over to the East Bay to meet my friend Ann Marie. We had a very tasty lunch at Cancun Sabor, and then we strolled onto the UC Berkeley campus—as we were arriving, 50 police officers passed us, walking in formation—and sat by a little creek and talked for a long time. A family of five raccoons walked by, down near the water. When our butts started to hurt, we walked on and found a wooden bench to sit on.
From there, we could see maybe 10 police officers standing around across the street, and periodically a helicopter hovered overhead. A TV truck arrived and raised an antenna high in the air. Then the police officers got into a van and an armored vehicle and drove toward the center of campus. I felt kind of sad for the students. Many of them are so young. It’s a shame that their campus is a place of such chaos, and at times violence.
(Click photos to enlarge.)
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