Resurrection

At County Hospital, I saw in the ED a patient who had gone on an alcoholic bender and was full of remorse. I myself am a recovering alcoholic and could easily have encouraged him to try AA again, blah blah, (or Refuge Recovery or some other group). But, channeling some things I’d learned at school, I reminded myself that this man was whole, not broken, and turned aside the impulse to offer solutions. I focused on sensing my body, which allowed me to feel along with this patient his disappointment in himself and his frustration. He mentioned that he had hated being forced to go to church as a child. Quite a bit later in the conversation, he said that he had disliked going to AA meetings. I noticed the parallel and, in a few words, pointed it out. He said, surprised, “Yeah! You’re right.” That was satisfying.

I want to be a chaplain to whom patients say, “Yeah, that is how I feel!” and not, “That’s good advice.”

It was Good Friday, and I had to smile when a patient being discharged from the ED, a small older Asian woman hauling a cart, said as she passed me, “Thank you! I’ve been resurrected.”

At the end of March, I had lunch at the Truly Wonderful Medical Center with Jodie, my supervisor for my first unit of CPE there. I wanted to ask her advice about how to meet the Association of Professional Chaplains’ continuing education requirements, if it was OK that I told the nurse I was disgruntled with my co-worker, and what she thinks about processing irritated feelings with co-workers. Should I not do that and talk to a friend or my therapist instead?

It was a gorgeous day and lunch was delightful, a big salad apiece. Jodie did have some thoughts about continuing education, and as for telling the nurse I was disgruntled, she said, “You’re a human being. It’s another thing if you go on and on about it,” which I didn’t. Regarding processing with my co-worker, she said, “You have to! You don’t want bad feelings festering.” I asked, “What if I’m furious at her every single day?” and Jodie said, “In that case, you would need to self-supervise, to decide what to bring up and what to let go of.”

I got an email from my boss asking me to establish a goal for this year, preferably one that is measurable. I suggested that maybe I could have one or two conversations a month with other care team members, whom we also serve as chaplains. She wrote back, “How about if you do two staff support events for each of your units by the end of the year?” I have three units and there is nothing I would less rather do, particularly now that I know all that school is going to require, but there didn’t seem to be much point in arguing or pointing out how much this is going to cut into my limited time with patients. I wrote back, “OK.”

Early in April, not so long after our joint visits, I learned that Jonas is leaving for a job closer to his home. I was happy for him, but very sorry to see him go. He is a really lovely person, and there is no other plausible mentor in sight. Chaplains at work include a couple currently in Clinical Pastoral Education, a couple who did their CPE last year (including me), and a couple who did their CPE the year before that, and that’s it, except for one person who did her CPE several years ago, but hasn’t worked as chaplain until now. I hope our boss will hire an experienced chaplain who can guide the rest of us.

My boss has been instructed by management that chaplains who are not yet board certified must progress toward this on a specified timeline—four years from hire date for per diems, such as myself—with deliverables for each year. This year I must write an autobiography. Fortunately, this task recurs over and over on the path toward professional chaplaincy, so I have any number of them to use as a starting point.