Obstacles at Every Turn

A fellow chaplain at County Hospital who often works in the ED returned from a two-month meditation retreat early in April. I was a little worried that we were going to have to arm wrestle over who gets the ED, but she did not seem perturbed at all to find that we are now sharing this unit. She said to go ahead and spend the afternoon there, and that she might head there after I left.

There was a chaplain there I’d never met before. She said she’s been out because she was doing “a chaplaincy program” for the past few years. I asked if it was CPE, though CPE shouldn’t take that long, but she said it was the same academic program I have just embarked on. This program is supposed to take two years; she said it took three because “there were obstacles at every turn.” It was great to get to talk to her about it, and to get her tips on surviving the sesshin that was soon to come.

Sesshin entails being in the zendo from 6 a.m. to 9 p.m. for several days in a row, except for one hour of work each morning, and a rest period each afternoon (when you had better frantically do all the yoga you can squeeze in). All three meals are eaten oryoki style in the zendo. My fellow chaplain at County Hospital said not to take too much food, because when everyone else is done and has to wait while you sit there chewing and chewing, there is social discomfort. She said if you’re starving due to following the prior piece of advice, don’t forget that bread and peanut butter are available in the kitchen.

Oryoki meals are served in three bowls of differing sizes. At the end, they pour tea in the biggest bowl, which you then pour into the middle bowl and finally into the smallest bowl. You then—yuck—drink the tea. This serves to clean all three bowls. So it is important not to allow more tea to be poured into the large bowl than will fit in the small bowl, because you don’t drink the tea until it’s in the small bowl. I asked if you can drink some of the tea from the large bowl if you miscalculate. From her expression, I gathered you had better just not end up in this situation.

During the afternoon, I saw some particularly disturbing human remains. I cried a little. Clementine congratulated me later on not becoming nauseous, which fortunately had not occurred to me. I could stand it, and I didn’t feel like vomiting. It was just startling, and sad. My therapist later applauded that I had remained in touch with my emotions during this experience, which is something I had specifically dreaded.

For school I am now working on my goals. My mentor shared her goals document with me, and I saw it incorporated some things we have to do anyway, so I will definitely be following her excellent example there. However, I also saw she took several additional courses at school, which I absolutely cannot do. I am making five trips there this year, at a not-inconsiderable cost, including $35 a day for Hammett’s cat sitter. I also don’t want to be away from him more than I already will be. But even if money were no object and I had no cat, it was not easy to get the days off work already on record and I dare not tell my boss about any other days I’m not available to work.