Grimacing and Bearing It

At some point after the three-day mental rant on the subject of grilling wrapped up, I went on to consider the options in a more realistic manner, but will refrain from posting the details except to say that I decided simply to note each occasion of grilling and to put up with it for now, meaning that I will leave my main room or apartment when the need to breathe semi-clean air requires it.

Or, to put it another way, after a hundred hours of stewing and $200 worth of consultation with my mental health professional ($100 just before the Fourth of July and another $100 this week), I decided Tom was right. Though he was worked up enough to say he planned to talk to the landlord after the horrible night of grilling in May, he has since reverted to his original opinion that it doesn’t happen all that often, so we should grin and bear it.

We recently saw The Dark Knight. It was long and loud and dark indeed. Tom liked it more than I did. I think the main reason to see it is to take in Heath Ledger’s final and remarkable performance, therefore, it is necessary to see it.

We are into the second season of Dark Angel now, which is much sillier than the first, but we are committed fans and will see every minute of every episode.

After my retreat, I didn’t start practicing the guitar again until after Tom’s brother Paul let me play his electric guitar at top volume last weekend and hear the distorted sound I so adore. I’ve found that I have to turn my amp up pretty far to get that sound; this also produces a knock on the door in moments.

I knew I could turn the amp up and use headphones, but it’s bad enough not to be able to remember anything of a factual nature without also being deaf, so I haven’t done that. But Paul told me I can get an effects box that will produce distortion at a low volume, so now I’m practicing again, and have scheduled a lesson for next week. I’m writing little bits of music and maybe one day will turn them into whole songs and record them on the Mac. Maybe I’ll sing.

Today I got the new Metallica album, Death Magnetic, which I think is quite good—it’s certainly much, much better than St. Anger; I do wish Rob Trujillo was considerably louder—and in the evening Tom and I saw The Bank Job for a second time. I think Jason Statham bears a passing resemblance to Tom’s brother Steve, or vice versa (hi, Steve!).

The astute reader will have noticed that I have fought with virtually everyone I have encountered lately, though this is not to say my feelings, perceptions, or opinions were necessarily wrong, and today I decided that I will not survive perimenopause if I don’t make some changes. At the very least, I’ll be in jail, and I’m probably within 5000 angry thoughts of a stroke, so it’s back to basics: My feet. Can I feel them? Yes, there they are.

What am I thinking right now? And now? And now? “Thinking that I need to buy more cheese puffs. Thinking that this person is very irritating. Thinking what if there’s grilling soon? Thinking that I should have joined Metallica when they asked me the first time; oh, wait, I guess they never did do that.”

I find labeling thoughts very helpful. For at least a moment, I am seeing thoughts as thoughts rather than being lost in them and believing them. Observing what is passing through my mind gives me the chance to question it: Am I one hundred percent positive this person maliciously set out to damage my chair? Per Byron Katie, no, I can’t be positive of that. In fact, that’s almost certainly not the case. (The chair was without question damaged, but very likely this was not consciously intended by anyone: Whoever did it thought he was doing the right thing, for at least a moment.)

Saying yes to everything also helps a lot: Yes to grilling! Yes to my apartment being filled with smoke! Yes to whoever it was damaging my chair!

So much of the problem is thinking that things that ARE should not be. Saying yes to what is doesn’t mean one can’t choose to take some sort of action, but it does lessen the portion of misery that comes from struggling to negate reality.

Finding something I can feel grateful for, and there is always something, is also good.

Work, luckily, has been relatively peaceful. Someone called me at an inopportune moment this week, and I asked if I might call her back. After I hung up, I added, “Meaning after I finish these cheese puffs.”

My nearby coworker said, “I’m glad to hear you have your priorities straight.”

“Right,” I agreed. “The user will always be here, whereas these cheese puffs will expire in a matter of months.”